Hiei no Kanashimi
by Jotaro Aoki
Summary: Hiei has not been in touch with the "love" of his life recently. How long will he remain out of touch? I just hope it won't be too long, but knowing Hiei.../yuyu hakusho; yaoi; first-person point of view./


Staring at the horizon and then at the majestic moon with eyes narrowed into slits, I quietly repositioned myself from sitting to supine near the edge of a cliff. One look down and it's about a thousand-foot drop into the unwelcoming waves that crashed incessantly into the jagged, merciless Makai rocks. I sighed as I brought my weary eyelids down. An acute, penetrating blast of cold wind rustled my raven locks and chilled my worn out body, and then I knew.   
  
  
  
  
  
/As if I didn't know it from the start.../  
  
  
  
  
  
It has been several days since I went to Ningenkai. Ten days, to be exact. Ten long, hard, empty days. It's been that long since I gazed at a certain youko into his lovely emerald eyes...  
  
  
  
  
  
/I knew I could not stand not seeing him.../  
  
  
  
  
  
I always want to be beside him...  
  
  
  
  
  
...And yet something inside me seeks for solitude...there were even instances when something at the back of my mind tells me to forget him altogether, to go on living without the distraction of his wonderful smile, his warm embrace...   
  
  
  
  
  
His…passionate love for me...  
  
  
  
  
  
Maybe it is my nature to seek for solitude once in a while. Everyone has a private life. I guess that goes even for me...even for that one and only youko that I love...  
  
  
  
  
  
Sometimes I find it somewhat odd when I feel as if he feels it when I am perturbed or restless, knowing he has his own share of perturbations. But whenever he tries to be discreet in wanting to know what seems to be wrong and he starts to inquire about my feelings, it most often leads to a monologue, wherein he does most of the talking. I know that he knows that I am not much of a conversationalist, though it has been mentioned before that a good relationship will always have to involve communication.  
  
  
  
  
  
/Fortunately, it's not always the case./  
  
  
  
  
  
/But I do want to hear his voice.../  
  
  
  
  
  
I have to see him. Now.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
I am now in Ningenkai, on my way to his place.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
I paused in front of the open window of his apartment. It has always been left open at night…for me.  
  
  
  
  
  
/Or at least I think it has been always left open for me just in case I drop by./  
  
  
  
  
  
The familiar silky curtain wafted over my nose as I leaped gracefully onto the windowsill, lowering my gaze onto the polished floor.  
  
  
  
  
  
I entered the room noiselessly, making sure that my feet never emitted even the slightest sound. This was his bedroom. Always neat, always orderly, as if no one really slept in here. I could smell the faint scent of red roses, which meant he was nearby. At the other end of the room was his bed, and it seemed it was occupied. I could perceive from the corner of my eye a trace of scarlet hair from where I stood. He is the one occupying the bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
Gradually I neared the side of the bed. I felt as if my heart was ready to burst in anticipation. Just one step more...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
There he was sleeping soundly, like an angel on a cloud. His pale face had a peaceful look and one of his arms was folded under his head. A thick blanket covered his lithe body up to his bare chest and his other arm hugged onto a plump pillow.  
  
  
  
  
  
/Wish I were THAT pillow./  
  
  
  
  
  
/Oh, Kurama.../  
  
  
  
  
  
I reached out my hand to touch his soft cheek. This was the first time I ever touched him myself, for he was always the one who holds my hand or embraces me, for that matter. I let him do those things to me, but I never reciprocate.   
  
  
  
  
  
/And yet, I know for a fact that he is always waiting for me to hold his hand back or embrace him back./  
  
  
  
  
  
I sat at his bedside. I felt myself sink into the firm mattress. He remained undisturbed as I gently caressed his cheek and moved a couple of locks of hair away from his forehead so I could see more of his face…his beautiful, angelic face.  
  
  
  
  
  
Still seated, I looked around the room to see any changes or any addition to the usual paintings of the sea on the wall. My eyes suddenly caught sight of a gold-toned picture frame on the bedside table that was not there ten days ago.   
  
  
  
  
  
/When did he ever have interest in putting up a picture in a picture frame?/  
  
  
  
  
  
But nevertheless I peered and took a closer look. And then I knew.  
  
  
  
  
  
/This time, I did not know it from the start./  
  
  
  
  
  
It was the shot where he and I posed in the park in front of his brand new automatic camera, where he had to persuade me a hundred times before I finally agreed to have the pathetic picture taken.  
  
  
  
  
  
/Of course I would have agreed to have the picture taken in the first place, but I do adore him so much whenever he applies his 'persuasion' techniques to me. It just makes me want to love him even more./   
  
  
  
  
  
I turned my attention back to him.   
  
  
  
  
  
He was still in deep slumber, his breathing slow and rhythmic.  
  
  
  
  
  
I envy him because he can sleep so contentedly, as if without a care in the world. I envy him more because he can openly express his affection for me.  
  
  
  
  
  
/Which unfortunately, I was not gifted with. Of an affectionate nature./  
  
...  
  
...  
  
I slid my fingers from his cheek down to the corner of his mouth, then to his delicate lips.  
  
  
  
  
  
/When was the last time he kissed me?/  
  
  
  
  
  
/Ten days ago./  
  
  
  
  
  
/Has it really been that long?/  
  
  
  
  
  
With my fingers still to his lips, I touched my own lips with my other hand and tried to recall what happened that night…  
  
  
  
  
  
/We were alone together, as usual, after attending dinner with some of his business partners, ten days ago. We were still in his car when, before we got out, he thanked me for my accompanying him and said he had a wonderful time. When he asked me if I had a good time and I only turned my head toward the opposite direction, he suddenly put his hand around my neck, pulled my chin, and then…/  
  
  
  
  
  
I smirked inwardly at my own thoughts.  
  
  
  
  
  
/And I remember he uttered a single word when I got out after he was done with me…/  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes…I already owe him that much. That one word. That word I know I could never say to his face in this lifetime, or in the next. This is the only opportunity I've got to say it without restrain, without regret, even if he is not going to recall it when he wakes up.  
  
  
  
  
  
I slowly lowered my head and whispered that one, little, word into his ear...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
/Aishiteiru.../  
  
...  
  
...  
  
I didn't realize that I had stayed that long for the rising sun to catch up with me.   
  
  
  
  
  
I have to leave for Makai again.   
  
  
  
  
  
Just as I was about to jump out of the window, I heard a soft rustle. I turned around just in time to see him turn on his other side, and unfortunately, raise his head to my direction.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
/My chestnut eyes suddenly met with his greenish ones for what seemed to be eternity.../  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Then I heard his voice...the voice that I've been longing to hear...the main reason why I wanted to see him so badly...  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ohayo, Hiei-kun," he greeted lazily. "You are early today."  
  
  
  
  
  
/And then he flashed me that smile that could cause stars to fall from the sky.../  
  
  
  
  
  
I only grunted in reply.  
  
  
  
  
  
For I know that is enough for him to know that I acknowledged him.  
  
...  
  
...  
  
Here I am again in Makai, alone, on the edge of a cliff, under a blanket of stars. I will always remain faithful to him, him to me. It pains me whenever I am away from his side but I do not want to suffocate him with my mask of indifference whenever we are together. I have been torn over and over again about the fact that too much familiarity could be dangerous. Or even kill.   
  
  
  
  
  
/Or could it?/  
  
...  
  
...  
  
/Then I would rather die knowing how it felt like to be loved and cherished and treasured by him than live for eternity without even a memory of his sweet laughter at all./  
  
  
  
  
  
-Owari- 


End file.
